Playing Small & Other Illusions
Hello my Lovelies,
This week I wanted to talk about playing small and how the “safety” it offers is an illusion. I will share some of my personal story and challenges; just know, it all has a happy ending and hopefully some helpful “aha moments” are to be found for you as well!
For most of my childhood and into my adult life I was subconsciously playing small in order to remain “safe” from the energetic chaos that surrounded me. Learning that this was hurting me rather than helping, was a paradigm shift that changed my life. In sharing my story, I want you to know that being your full and glorious self is the only true path to safety. And beyond that, it’s the only way to fully exist here and now, to find your joy, to feel grounded and connected, and ultimately, to know safety is your birthright. No matter the chaos around you, there’s nothing you need to fear.
As an empath, I would sense the tension, anxiety, fear and frustration of anyone and everyone I came into contact with. My immediate family, as you might imagine, was the easiest to get “lost” in. I would feel my dad’s stress from work, or my mom’s pain when someone passed away, but without knowing what to do with this information or exactly how to discern what was mine and what was not. The lines between where they started and ended were blurred with my own sense of self.
In order to cope with the myriad of energies, emotions and physical symptoms I would experience, my default setting was “stay small, be invisible”; essentially a fight flight state, escaping or retreating from the energy. This subconscious survival logic was telling me: “If they can’t see me, or hear me, then their energy can’t reach me”. Makes some sense, right? Well in theory, but not in truth.
The “smaller” I made myself the more separation and disconnect I would experience between my own body and spirit. This separation opened me up further to the influence of the energies of others. I would be “present” and absent at the same time. This is no way to live. It’s like dividing yourself into small packages and then expecting to feel whole. It might appear to be working for a bit, but it’s not sustainable. Escaping or being partially present in my attempt to remain ‘safe’, was also disconnecting me from my own life force, my own spirit, my own creativity and intuition.
You have heard me say this before: as we do one thing, we do all things. Meaning, this playing small wasn’t only impacting my interactions with my immediate family. This default setting followed me into every relationship, every job, and every social encounter. In relationships I would find myself contorting to be liked, lost in the energy of the other person. In my professional life, I would run myself ragged for every request or project to “keep everyone happy.” In everyday encounters I would defer to the wants of others for decision-making. I would agree to social events that I truly didn’t have the stamina to attend. I would do many things out of “obligation” and habit, failing to ask myself what I truly wanted.
The turning point came when I hit my limit. It was a physical, emotional and spiritual exhaustion point that startled me awake. I felt “unmoored” and wanted to nurture and reconnect with myself. With this aim in mind, I started to meditate. I also asked for help and opened up to guidance from a few trusted teachers. (This is one of the reasons I find it so fulfilling offering guidance to others in reconnecting with themselves. It’s my paying it forward and teaching many of the lessons I’ve learned.)
Mindfulness and meditation were my gateway to renewal and re-connection. In meditation I was invited to bring my awareness fully into the present moment. I had an experience where I felt, for the first time in a long time, that I was fully in my body. I felt both heavy down into my feet and light in my being. I felt safe, powerful, calm and truly present. From this state of being I was able to sense what was mine and what was not. I learned discernment and was able to command and work with the energy around me, with greater clarity and without fear. Having experienced being fully in my own skin, I couldn’t imagine shrinking myself or splicing myself again, just to “please” others, or to buy into the illusion of safety those habits had once offered.
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TRY THIS: Exploring our knee-jerk reactions, habits and defaults can be hugely enlightening. Often by bringing these to the surface we can simultaneously deconstruct the narrative and liberate ourselves from the pattern. The subconscious mind is always running, even though we don’t always notice – hence it’s unconscious or “sub”-conscious. This doesn’t mean inaccessible of course, but it can mean that we are often running a default setting, and it will play without any effort or input from our conscious minds. Notice whenever you feel ruffled, irked, triggered or extra tired-there is a good chance there is a default narrative at play.
Here are some questions to get you reflecting on where in your life you might be “playing small”:
What, if any, of the habits or scenarios from my story sound or feel familiar to you? Which one caught your attention?
Do you find yourself deferring to others when making decisions?
Ask yourself why you might be doing this? *Underneath it all, it is often conditioning around questions of safety and survival habits e.g “If I play small I won’t become a target, if I play small I can get away with not speaking up, I can avoid conflict” etc. You get the idea.
When was the last time you felt fully present in your body? Describe the moment, the place, sights, sounds, smells etc- be as detailed as possible.
As best you can, recreate the feeling of that moment for yourself daily. Even 5-10 minutes a day is enough. If you can’t recreate the moment in its entirety, you can focus on conjuring the feeling you experienced, and expanding on it.
Try a guided meditation or body scan with a focus on grounding, rooting and centering. See if you can bring your awareness into every corner of your being.
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Presence and embodiment-this is what I wish for every one of you. From this space is where your intuitive voice speaks. It’s where you can experience and access Truth and joy, laughter and gratitude. It is a space or state-of-being that you can rely on and turn to for guidance in every decision and every moment. I invite you whole-heartedly to shake-off smallness and take up your divine space, to color-in all the way to the borders of your being and to feel what it is to be completely yourself. Cheers to that my friends!